Through the Eyes of a Child
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: An eight-year-old boy named Jake Nobody is brought as a patient to Arkham Asylum, having no memory of his real name or background. The inmates have to adapt to a child in their midst, while Jake tries to fathom the mystery of his past, which could determine if he lives long enough to have a future. Thanks to Gcucullu-0 for the suggestion! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Through the Eyes of a Child**

Jake Nobody had been trying to sleep, when he felt someone jab his side. "Hey, Nobody!" said a familiar voice. Jake ignored it, making sure his eyes were shut tight. "Nobody!" repeated the voice, as someone shook him roughly. Still Jake ignored them, clutching his teddy bear closely to him.

"Wake up, loser!" shouted the voice at last, and Jake caught his breath as he was suddenly kicked hard in the side. His eyes opened in time to see another kick aimed at his head, which knocked him off the bed and onto the floor. He lay there gasping for breath, his head whirling.

"You deaf, you little runt?" demanded the same voice, as Jake was picked up by his hair. He shut his eyes in pain and began struggling, kicking out at his assailant, but was held down by another pair of hands. He opened his eyes to stare into the leering, unpleasant face of Carl Powell, the oldest kid in the orphanage and its resident bully. A psychiatrist might have argued that those two things were related – Carl felt insecure about not being adopted when every other kid younger than him was, so he took his rage and frustration out on them. But Jake was no psychiatrist – he was just an eight-year-old boy, and all he knew was that Carl picked on him more than anyone else. Probably because of his name.

Jake Nobody wasn't Jake's real name, but he couldn't remember what his real name was. Nor could he remember anything about his life before arriving at the orphanage a few months ago. He saw hazy glimpses of familiar people and places in his dreams, but he couldn't identify any of these. Nobody had come looking for him since he had been dropped off, either. And nobody at the orphanage had any idea where he had come from or who he really was. And so they had called him Nobody.

"Guess what I just heard, Nobody?" muttered Carl, as two of his supporting goons held Jake firmly.

Jake was silent. He didn't talk if he could help it, and he certainly wasn't going to play a game pandering to the bully. "I heard you're getting outta here," continued Carl. "But you ain't being adopted. Not after that stunt you pulled last week."

Jake remained silent, but he knew what Carl was talking about. Carl had been picking on a group of much smaller children, and Jake had interfered by punching him in the face. Jake wasn't very big himself, but he was able to hold his own in a full-scale fight, which is what the confrontation soon became. Carl had blamed Jake for the uproar, and the head of the orphanage had believed him, since Jake had been quiet, which the head interpreted as sullen, ever since his arrival here. Jake had heard the head talking about him with the other administrators outside his office, using words like "troublesome boy," and "problem child" with "severe behavioral issues." He knew those hadn't been good words, but he assumed his punishment would be something like being isolated from the other boys, which suited him just fine. But apparently it was going to be worse than that, assuming this wasn't just some cruel prank by Carl.

Carl leaned forward so that Jake could smell his bad breath distinctly. "I heard…they're sending you to the nuthouse. They're sending you to Arkham."

Jake just stared at him. "Oh, c'mon, Arkham Asylum!" said Carl, frowning at the lack of reaction from Jake. "The looney bin where they lock up crazy criminals and throw away the key! I've heard the kinda stuff they do to the crazies – electric shocks and being hosed down with ice water. And there's a lotta bad people in there, people who'll carve you up just for looking at 'em!"

"Yeah, there's the Joker," spoke up one of the goons. "You see pictures of the people he kills in the papers. The dead bodies are all smiling. It's the scariest thing ever. So's he, if you look at the pictures. That creepy clown face always grinning at you…"

"They also got Two-Face," said the other goon. "One half of his face is all normal, but the other is all gross and disgusting. He was burned or got acid thrown on it or something, and it drove him crazy. He could decide to kill you just by flipping a coin."

"There's also that Poison Ivy," said the first goon. "Scariest woman I've ever seen, with her green skin, she ain't even human! She's like a real witch who can control plants, and she likes growing killer plants and feeding people to 'em!"

"And the Scarecrow," said Carl, smiling at Jake. "His idea of fun is frightening people to death with a gas that gets inside your head and drives you crazy. Makes your deepest, darkest fears appear in front of your eyes. What's yours, Nobody?" he asked, grabbing him by the collar and raising his fist.

"Mr. Powell, that's enough," said a voice from the doorway. They all turned to see the head of the orphanage standing in the light from the hall. "Back to bed, all of you. Except you, Mr. Nobody," he said, as Jake tried to climb back into his cot. "You're to come with me. Please collect your things."

Jake looked around. The only things he had were the clothes on his back, and his teddy bear, which was something he had been holding when he first woke up in the orphanage. The bear wore a shabby jacket with the initials _J.N. _on it, which is where Jake had gotten his name.

"Right, come along," said the head, taking Jake by the arm and leading him from the room.

"Enjoy the madhouse, Nobody!" laughed Carl. "Hope you've had a nice life, because it's over now!"

The mocking laughter of him and his cronies followed Jake out of the room and down the stairs. The head led him to the front door of the orphanage, where some men in white coats waited.

"Now Mr. Nobody, in light of your recent behavior, we think some time in residential therapy might be best for you," said the head, calmly. "To help you deal with some social and anger issues. You're being taken to Arkham Asylum, the finest mental hospital in the country, and it's hoped there you'll find the treatment you need to grow up into a normal, healthy, productive young man."

Jake stared at him, shivering in fear and clutching his teddy bear. He didn't know what to say, and it was clear words would have no impact on his fate – the head had already made his decision without his input. So he said nothing as the men in white coats pulled him into the waiting van outside. They sat Jake down in the back, which looked like a cage, with bars all over the windows, and then climbed into the front and drove off.

Jake stood up, watching the rain lash the barred windows as he saw the orphanage grow smaller and smaller in the distance. He looked around at the urban gloom of Gotham City, its bright lights making the city look even more miserable in the pelting drizzle.

And then they were out on the freeway, driving away from the center of the city and towards the outskirts. The lights grew fewer, and the surroundings grew darker, like they were driving through a long tunnel. And then Jake could see through the window, perched on a hill, the jagged, Gothic outline of Arkham Asylum, a hulking rock of a building standing firm against the storm. Lightning flashed over it, silhouetting it, as the van drove through the gates and parked in the driveway out front.

"Is Dr. Leland here?" said one of the men in white coats to the receptionist, as the other unlocked the back of the van and dragged Jake into the building.

She shook her head. "Went home a few hours ago. Who's the kid?"

"New patient," replied the man. "Where should we put him?"

The receptionist sighed, looking over her sheet. "Try Tetch's old cell for now," she muttered, pointing down the hall. "Number 1865."

The men pulled Jake down the corridor as he stared around him, shivering in cold and fear. They unlocked the door to the cell block and led him to the indicated room, pushing him gently inside, locking the door, and leaving without another word.

Jake stood there, looking around the tiny room. There was a cot in one corner and a toilet in the other, but the cell was empty aside from that. He crept over to the bed, pulling the ragged blanket over his body and curling up, trying to shut his eyes, fall asleep, and whatever he did, not think about his situation.

It was about 3 AM when the laughter started. It was unlike any laughter Jake had ever heard, and it made him shudder in fear – a hysterical, maniacal cacophony of sound, each shriek more high-pitched than the last.

And then he heard an annoyed voice roar, "Swear to God, J, if you don't shut up, I'll rip out your voicebox!"

"Like to see you try, Harv!" retorted the laughing voice.

"Could be worse, Harvey – could be Harley's happy noises," said a female voice.

"Oh, those'll come in a second, Pammie, when Harley ain't got her mouth full anymore."

"Oh God, too much information, J!" snapped the female voice. "Just shut up, would ya?"

"I'm fear gassing the lot of you if you don't all shut up!" said another annoyed voice in the cell next to Jake.

"Nice try, Professor, but it don't work on me!" sneered the laughing voice. "But I would be grateful if you all would shut up – you're ruining the romantic mood!" it chuckled.

"Yeah, how's a gal supposed to concentrate, you jerks?" snapped another female voice.

"Just get back to work, Harley," commanded the laughing voice. "At least your useless mouth is good for something besides yammering stupid things in an annoying voice."

"Really, Mr. J? You think I'm good?" asked the female voice excitedly.

"Well, I wouldn't say good exactly…not terrible, though."

"Oh, Mr. J! You know just what to say to a gal!"

"For God's sake, Harley, do us all a favor and bite down!" said the first female voice.

"Don't listen to the Plant Lady, Harl…eeee!" There was a high-pitched shriek followed by a roar of pain. "Holy crap, she was just joking! Oh God, why would you do that?!"

"Sorry, Mr. J! I thought it might be kinky or something…ow!"

Jake heard a slap, followed by a shriek of pain, and then the female voice said, dreamily, "Oh, Mr. J! Please hurt me some more!"

Jake heard more punches and cries on both sides, but he couldn't tell whether they were of pain or pleasure. Not that an eight-year-old could imagine why anyone would find pain pleasurable, and the truth is, the whole situation only increased his terror. He clutched his teddy bear as he lay wide awake for the rest of the night, wondering how he was going to survive in this horrible place.


	2. Chapter 2

Jake felt a slight weight on his chest the next morning, and he opened his eyes suddenly to see a nightmarish vision of black feathers, a sharp beak, and black eyes gazing into his face. He started up in horror, batting the things away, which turned out to be a raven. It squawked in annoyance, settling on the end of his bed and ruffling its feathers as it began grooming itself, glaring at Jake.

"Lenore!" called a voice from the neighboring cell, as Jake tried to catch his breath and recover himself, looking around the room and remembering that he wasn't in the orphanage anymore. "Where are you, my pretty? It's breakfast time!"

The raven instantly perked up, fluttering through the bars of the neighboring cell and nuzzling against the cheek of the tall, thin man standing there. Jake dived under the blanket, pulling it over his head so he wouldn't be noticed, and peeked out as the thin man went over to a cage of maggots, who were devouring a dead rat. The man plucked a few maggots out and began feeding them to the raven, who swallowed them eagerly, as the man cooed over her, stroking her feathers.

"Aren't they delicious, my precious?" he asked. "And there is something rather heartening in the thought that the dead can nourish the living. One reads so many stories about the reverse in cheap fiction."

The raven squawked, gulping down several more maggots. She then fluttered back through the bars to Jake's cell, and nodded at the bed, squawking again.

"Yes, my beauty, I am missing Jervis, but he's not there," said the man. "Much as the thought would cheer me up."

The raven ruffled her feathers again, cawing as it hopped over to the side of the bed, took the blanket in its beak, and then fluttered up, tugging the blanket after it. Jake tried to grab it back, but the bird had already dropped it to the floor, and he looked up with dread into the startled face of the man.

"Good Lord," he said, surprised. "Whatever are you doing in there?"

Jake didn't know how to respond, and was too frightened to even if he could. He just clutched his teddy bear tightly, staring at the man in fear.

"Are you lost?" pressed the man. "Did you get locked in there by mistake? What's your name, boy?"

Still Jake didn't respond. The bird fluttered down onto his shoulder, examining him with her keen, black eyes.

"She's not going to bite," said the man, as Jake stared at the raven in terror. "You don't have to be afraid."

The bird cawed, flying back over to the man and perching on his shoulder as she groomed herself. The man sighed, heading over to feed the bird some more maggots. "Well, if you're not going to speak to me, there's nothing I can do to help you. Though I can't imagine what you're doing in here. This is no place for a child. And I'm sure Dr. Leland can't have taken leave of her senses and decided that it is. Have you seen Dr. Leland?"

Jake shook his head. "Well, I'm sure she'll sort everything out," said the man. "She's very good at that. But I think you should probably get some breakfast first – you look like you haven't had a square meal in some time," he added, feeding more maggots to the bird and reaching into the cage for some more.

"I don't want…those," stammered Jake, nodding at the maggots that the raven devoured.

"Goodness no, of course you don't!" retorted the man. "And I wouldn't dream of feeding them to you! The food isn't that bad here!" he laughed. "But presumably you'll be allowed to join us in the cafeteria in about half an hour. And then we'll see if we can't get word to Dr. Leland about you."

"Crane! Showers, now!" snapped a guard, appearing at the cell door suddenly.

"Yes, all right," sighed the man, putting down the bird on her perch as his cell door was unlocked.

"You too, kid," snapped the guard, unlocking Jake's cell as well. "Don't have any special orders for you, so you're gonna be doing what the others do."

"Hadn't he better see Dr. Leland instead?" asked the man.

"I say he needs a shower!" retorted the guard, grabbing Jake's arm. "So move!"

They were both marched down the corridor to the long shower room at the end. The cubicles were private enough and tall enough to conceal most of the body from view, except for the head and shoulders.

"Johnny, who's the kid?" asked the man Jake could easily see was Two-Face.

"Haven't the foggiest," retorted Crane, grabbing a towel as he and Jake were pushed into separate cubicles. "He was in Jervis's cell when I woke up this morning. Must have arrived last night, though of course we wouldn't have heard anything else over the clown commotion."

"The dumb broad. Just look at it, Harvey!" exclaimed the man who could be no one else but the Joker, as he looked down at himself. "It's got actual teeth marks on it!"

"Nobody wants to look at it, J," retorted Two-Face. "And there's a kid here now, so don't go exposing yourself to minors. You can get locked up for stuff like that."

"Don't worry, Harv – I ain't Johnny's pedo friend!" chuckled Joker. "And finding a kid in his cell sounds like Tetchy's wet dream come true! Oh, it's a boy," he said, frowning as he looked over the shower cubicles. "Not Tetchy's wet dream come true, then. I hear he prefers little girls."

"I do wish you'd let that dumb joke die, Joker," sighed Crane. "Jervis has had a difficult enough life without false, nasty rumors like that being spread around."

"His life ain't difficult – he's free and legally sane," retorted Two-Face. "We should all be so lucky one day."

"Aw, c'mon, Harv, you'd miss this dump, admit it!" chuckled Joker. "And you'd miss all your pals locked up in here!"

"No offense, Joker, but I'd miss you about as much as guys miss herpes," retorted Two-Face.

"Hey, don't talk about that kinda stuff with a kid present!" said Joker, gesturing at Jake. Then he grinned. "But I bet that'll teach you to be more careful where you plant your tool, Harv. Oh, I knew the Weed Lady was crawling with disease!"

"No, _I _don't have herpes, you freak, it was just a metaphor!" growled Two-Face.

"Technically it's a simile if you use the words 'like' or 'as,'" corrected Crane.

"Gee, thanks, Professor," muttered Two-Face, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, this conversation's a little adult for the kid, doncha think?"

"Yeah, no kid should ever have to hear people talking about grammar," agreed Joker, nodding. "It'll turn 'em into boring nerds like the Professor here."

Jake had been shivering in his cubicle, wishing he could just disappear down the drain. But he tested the water, and was surprised to feel that it was warm. Maybe that being hosed down with cold water stuff wasn't true.

"Time's up! Everyone out, boys!" shouted the guard a few moments later. Jake had barely had time to rinse and wrapped himself in a towel. "Don't wanna keep the ladies waiting!"

"Serves 'em right after last night," grumbled Joker, reaching for his towel.

"J, how's your manhood this morning?" asked a woman with green skin smugly, who was led into the room followed by a slim, pretty blonde woman.

"Still works, no thanks you to, Pammie," snapped Joker.

"Lemme see, puddin'," said the blonde woman, starting forward, but she was restrained by guards as the Joker pulled away from her.

"No, I ain't letting you anywhere near the Big J again, Harley!" he retorted.

"But I said I was sorry!" protested the blonde woman.

"You would have been sorry," agreed Joker. "Your little prank almost ruined Harley's dream of us having kids someday, Pam."

"The world would have thanked me," retorted the green-skinned woman. "Speaking of kids, who's this?" she asked, noticing Jake.

"Some kid Johnny found in Jervis's cell," retorted Two-Face. "They're starting to lock 'em up younger and younger these days."

"Yeah? What are you in for, kid?" asked the green-skinned woman. "What did you do?"

Jake didn't respond. "I asked you a question!" snapped the green-skinned woman.

"Red, don't frighten the poor kid," said the blonde woman, heading over to Jake and smiling kindly at him. "Hi, kid, I'm Harley Quinn. Who are you?"

"Nobody," whispered Jake. "I'm Jake Nobody."

"Kinda a funny name…" began Harley.

"Yeah, and a crap name for a supervillain-to-be, if you don't mind my saying," said Joker. "People ain't gonna scream and flee in terror from a guy called Nobody. Although I guess it does have a kinda Who's on First potential for comedy…" he said, thoughtfully.

"Boys, out!" snapped the guard, shoving them out of the room. "Girls, in!"

"See ya later, Jake!" called Harley, waving at him as he was escorted back down the hall to his cell. "Hope you're staying!"

Jake's sentiments were the exact opposite. He hoped more than anything that this Dr. Leland would be able to get him out of here. Although at least he had got a fairly private, hot shower, which was more than the orphanage could provide. And the cafeteria had a lot more food than the orphanage had had – he couldn't remember the last time he had eaten so much. And nobody here had tried to bully him yet. So he was grateful for small blessings, however few there were being locked up in a lunatic asylum.


	3. Chapter 3

Jake was escorted to Dr. Leland's office after breakfast under an armed guard. His sense of relief at meeting her was instantly reversed when he heard angry shouting coming from her office.

The guard knocked on the door. "What?" roared an irritated voice from inside.

"Uh…Dr. Leland? The new patient is here," said the guard.

The door was thrown open to reveal a woman in a lab coat on the phone, a scowl on her face, which turned into a smile as she saw Jake. "Please come in, Jake. Sit down," she said, kindly, gesturing to a chair. "I'll be with you in just a second. Hello? Yes, I'm still here!" she snapped into the phone. "I was asking you what sort of operation you think we're running here! You don't just drop patients off in the dead of night! This is a hospital for the mentally ill, not a Siberian gulag! And it's a hospital for mentally ill adults, not children! You think you can just throw a vulnerable child in with these homicidal maniacs?! How do you think that's gonna improve his mental health?! And why wasn't I consulted, or even informed, about this decision?! Oh, you had permission from the governor's office! Well, you can tell the governor to keep his big nose in his own office, and not shove it into mine!"

She slammed the phone down, paused a moment, and then instantly picked it back up and redialed. "Hello? Please don't actually tell him that. Thank you. Goodbye."

She hung up the phone again, sighing heavily, and then smiled at Jake. "Sorry about that," she said. "But I was only told about your arrival when I came in this morning. It was a little unexpected, to say the least."

Jake nodded, studying her nervously. "From what I gather from talking to the orphanage, you've been sent to us as a special case because you have some behavioral and social issues, is that right?" she asked.

Jake didn't know how to respond to that question, so he said nothing. "Well, trust me, you can't have worse behavioral and social issues than the people in here!" she laughed. "I'm so sorry you were just thrown into the mix with them. Normally we'd have a gradual introduction of a new inmate. Our patients can be very…territorial sometimes. Joker once beat a man to death with his tray for taking his spot in the cafeteria. That was after he stabbed forks into his eyes…but you don't really need to hear about that," she added, hastily. "I hope they didn't frighten you too much. They all mean well, really. Well, not all of them. And when I say mean well, I mean they don't want to harm anyone specifically. Except Batman. They're just…well, they need help. Like you do, huh?"

"I…I guess," stammered Jake. "But I don't really...like fighting or anything. Mostly I need help remembering who I am."

"What do you mean, who you are?" asked Dr. Leland.

"I…can't remember anything before a couple months ago," murmured Jake. "I dunno who I am or where I come from…or even what my real name is. That's why they call me Nobody."

Dr. Leland smiled gently at him. "Well, you're not nobody here, Jake," she said. "What made you pick that name?"

Jake shrugged, holding up his teddy bear. "The initials there. I needed a J name, so I picked Jake."

"Jake was the name of my little brother," said Dr. Leland. "You remind me a little of him too. Same thoughtful eyes he always had…"

"Is he a doctor too?" asked Jake.

"He's dead," said Dr. Leland, softly. "He killed himself when he was a teenager."

"Oh," said Jake, not knowing what else to say but feeling horrible for having asked.

"I think he couldn't see another way out, and he didn't think anyone could help him," continued Dr. Leland. "But I've worked my whole life to give people the help they need, so they don't see that as a way out. I'd like to help you too, if you'll let me, Jake."

Jake nodded. "So what did the orphanage do to help you find your family or your identity?" she asked.

"Not much," replied Jake, honestly. "The head said they weren't the police department."

"Did they ever call the police?" she asked. "File a missing persons report or anything?"

"I don't know," he said. "I don't think so. They never told me if they did."

"That seems odd," said Dr. Leland. "If they were so eager to get you outta their hair by dropping you off here, you'd think the first thing they would've done would be to try to get you outta there by finding where you belong."

"Maybe they just didn't think I was important enough," murmured Jake. "I didn't feel very important there."

Dr. Leland lay a hand on his shoulder. "Well, everyone's important here in Arkham," she murmured. "And don't they know it," she sighed. "Hang around the inmates some more, and I'm sure your ego will be as big as theirs in no time."

She took a seat behind her desk, writing something down. "I'm going to find out if inaction on the part of the orphanage was just plain incompetence, or if there was some deeper motivation to them wanting your identity to remain a secret," she said. "I'm assuming the former, but you never know. In the meantime, I want you to make yourself as comfortable as you possibly can here. I've ordered some things you can spruce up your cell with – toys, games, that kinda thing. And we'll have regular sessions where you can talk with me about anything you want – anything you feel or think or remember."

She looked up at him. "If you have any problems with the inmates, come immediately to me. Although I'm assuming even the Joker isn't such a jerk as to pick on an innocent child. But then he does constantly surprise me," she sighed. "The others will probably be all right. Talk with Harley if you can – she's nice, as long as you don't threaten the Joker, then she becomes a ruthless killing machine. And the Joker doesn't tend to harm the people she likes. One of the reasons I think I'm still alive."

She pressed the buzzer on her desk, and the guards entered. "Please show Jake back to his room," she said. "But don't lock his cell door, and don't guard him. He's not a criminal and he's done nothing wrong. He deserves as much freedom as possible."

She held out her hand to him as he stood up. "It's nice to meet you, Jake," she said. "I hope you'll be happy here, for as long as you stay with us."

And as he left her office, Jake hoped so too.


	4. Chapter 4

"I wanna watch cartoons, Pam."

"I don't give a…darn, J," retorted Poison Ivy, glancing at Jake. "My gardening show is on, so I'm watching that."

The inmates were gathered in the Rec Room, and Ivy, Joker, and Harley were all seated on the sofa in front of the TV. Jake had taken a seat on the floor next to the couch, knees pulled up to his chest as he cuddled his teddy bear. Ivy kept a firm grip on the TV remote as she tried to concentrate on the gardening show, which was difficult since she kept shooting disgusted looks at Harley, who was draping herself over Joker, her head on his knee and edging ever closer to his lap.

"No, hands off, Harley," snapped Joker, pushing her away. "It's still tender!"

"But puddin', I'm sure your Harley girl can make the Big J feel much better. I can give him a massage, and kiss his boo-boo…"

"Kid, Harley," reminded Ivy.

"He don't know what I'm talking about!" snapped Harley. "Do ya, Jake? You don't know what a euphemism is, do ya?"

Jake shook his head. "See? We can talk in code," said Harley. "He's too young to know what it all means."

"But we're not," growled Two-Face. "So just shut up."

"You wanna watch cartoons, doncha, kid?" asked Joker, smiling at Jake. "Kids love cartoons! So do it for the children, Pammie!"

"Children and intellectually inferior adults love cartoons," muttered Crane, not looking up from his book.

"You take that back, nerd!" snapped Joker, standing up and knocking Harley off his lap. "Nobody does comedy like cartoons! There's not one comic genius living or dead who hasn't taken inspiration from Bugs Bunny! In fact, I like to think of myself as the Bugs to Batsy's Elmer Fudd. He probably stands on rooftops going 'Be wery, wery quiet – I'm hunting crazies!' Except for the fact he doesn't like guns…"

"Will you shut up when I'm trying to watch TV, J?" demanded Ivy, picking up a cushion from the sofa and throwing it at him.

"Don't throw stuff at Mr. J, Red!" snapped Harley, picking up her cushion and throwing it at Ivy.

"Oooh, pillow fight time, gals!" chuckled Joker. "Let's get some footage of this and sell it to the porn…to the…pillow industry," he said, changing his mind as he noticed Jake. "So they can see that people…enjoy their pillows. God, this kid's bad for comedy!" he sighed. "He hangs around here much longer and all my jokes are gonna have to be bland and inoffensive. And nobody wants to see that!"

"Do you know how much longer you're gonna be in here, Jake?" asked Harley. "All of us are committed for life, but I'm betting you're too young to be locked up with the key thrown away."

Jake shrugged. "I'm here until Dr. Leland says I can leave, I guess. But she's nice. She says I can wander around without being locked up."

"Is that so?" said Joker, beaming. "Well, you're a very fortunate young man. I'm sure you're a very smart young man too, isn't that right, Jake?"

"Uh…I dunno," said Jake, slowly.

"Of course you are! And smart young men know that it's important to help out people who can help them out someday. People with power and influence. People like yours truly."

"J, you can't even influence who controls the TV," retorted Two-Face.

"I could, Harvey, but your ex hates me," retorted Joker. "Hard to influence people who hate you. Plus she's got her hand wrapped around that remote tighter than she used to have it wrapped around your…neck," he finished, glancing at Jake again.

"Well, considering most people hate you, J, I think Harvey's right about you not having any influence," retorted Ivy.

"I influenced Harley!" snapped Joker. "And Bats! And everyone else in this goddamn town! If people are afraid of you, that's power and influence!"

"If that were true, I'd be a powerful and influential man," retorted Crane. "Which I am not."

"Yeah…sorry to break it to you, Johnny, but nobody's actually afraid of you," said Joker. "I know you like to think of yourself as some kinda God of Fear, but you really ain't. You're just a skinny nerd who ain't never screwed a woman…'s wheelchair together or something…dammit, kid, stop cramping my style!"

"Is it true…that you frighten people to death with a fear gas?" asked Jake, studying Crane.

"Yes, I have done that," said Crane, proudly. "Many times."

"Why?" asked Jake.

"Oh, I'm not sure a child can really understand," sighed Crane. "Suffice it to say that when I was your age, I was terribly bullied by the other children, and I vowed one day to have my revenge."

"Are the people you frighten to death the same people who bullied you?" asked Jake.

"No, I meant revenge as a more general concept – revenge on the human race for being monstrous, that sort of thing," replied Crane. "Making everyone suffer the same terror and fear I suffered as a child, that humanity's cruelty inflicted on me."

"But if you really wanted revenge, why wouldn't you find the people who did it and make them pay?" asked Jake. "Why would you just hurt everyone? Some of them might be innocent."

"My dear boy, no one is innocent," retorted Crane. "You'll learn that when you're older."

"Anyway, when you're a freak, kid, everyone is gonna treat you like a monster," muttered Two-Face, flipping his coin. "People in general are real judgmental, and if you look or act different, you're gonna be persecuted for those differences. Heads, you put up with it," he said, letting the coin land bad-side up on table. "Tails, you fight back."

"What Johnny's trying to say is that most people are normal and boring, and they need to be cheered up or killed," said Joker, smiling. "Or preferably both."

"Yeah, and anybody who can't appreciate Mr. J for the genius he is deserves to die," agreed Harley. "They're both crazy and stupid, and that's never a good combination."

"You'd know, Harley," retorted Ivy, turning up the volume on the TV.

Harley glared at her, and then leaped forward and snatched the remote control from her hand. "Here, Mr. J, go long!" she shrieked as Ivy leapt to her feet, trying to grab it back. Harley threw it at Joker, who caught it, flicking the TV over to the cartoon channel.

"This doesn't make up for what you did to me last night, Harley…" began Joker, but Ivy slammed into him suddenly, knocking him to the ground and punching him repeatedly.

"Gimme the goddamn remote or I'll break every bone in your body!" she shrieked.

"Harley…already broke…my bon_er_…" giggled Joker between punches. "The word boner…kid…of course means…mistake!" he gasped, noticing Jake again. "Pammie, beat me into a coma…until the kid goes away…will ya? I hate censoring my comedy!"

The guards arrived on the scene to break up the fight, dragging both Ivy and the Joker off to their separate cells. Harley skipped after Joker, leaving Jake in front of the TV to watch cartoons. But he wasn't really paying attention to them – he was thinking about what the inmates had said, and how that had compared to what Carl had told him about them. They freely and cheerfully admitted that they were killers. And while he knew that killers were bad people, they also seemed very concerned with protecting him, and that didn't seem like something bad people would do. Maybe that's why they were called crazy.


	5. Chapter 5

Jake awoke the next morning to what could only be termed a racket. He thought at first that something terrible was happening – a fire drill alarm, or breakout alarm, but when he got up and headed out to the Rec Room, he saw that it wasn't an alarm at all.

"Dammit, Harvey, you came in half a beat late!" shouted Joker, slamming his fists down on the piano. "Can't you count?!"

"_I _wasn't late, J!" snapped Two-Face. "My counting was just fine! You were early!"

"Where did the instruments come from?" asked Jake, looking around the room.

"Morning, Jake! They just arrived," said Harley. "Dr. Leland thought that maybe a good way for us to exercise our minds while we were locked up in here was with some music therapy, so she asked us what instruments we all played. I ain't a musical person myself, but Mr. J said me and Red could be groupies for his band!"

"I'm not being anyone's groupie," growled Ivy, but her eyes were fixed on Two-Face as she played with her hair.

"I think we're gonna call ourselves Joker and the Peanut Gallery," said Joker, smiling. "Y'know, because they're nuts."

"We're not calling ourselves that," snapped Two-Face. "I ain't gonna be in your stupid band anyway. I'm the one with the talent – I should be fronting this group!"

Joker snorted, running his fingers down the keyboard. "Please! If anyone is the talented one, it's me! It's quite a challenge to remember how to play an instrument when you can't even remember your past! But apparently I got piano lessons once!" he giggled, playing chopsticks.

"Mr. J can really tickle those ivories," murmured Harley, dreamily. "He's got really skilled, talented fingers. Maybe he can put them to good use tonight…"

"Still angry at you, Harley," interrupted Joker. "And the kid's here, so no euphemisms."

"And you play guitar?" asked Jake, as Two-Face adjusted a few strings on his instrument.

"Electric guitar, yeah," retorted Two-Face. "Thought it would help me pick up chicks."

"Yeah, women like the electric guitar," murmured Ivy, gazing at him. "Superficial women, which I'm not, of course," she added, hastily.

"Well, Johnny sure didn't base his instrument choice on picking up chicks!" giggled Joker.

"Joker, it takes a lot more skill to play the trombone than the guitar," snapped Crane, as Lenore perched on the brass instrument he held.

"Yeah, it's a real mystery why you used to get beat up at school," said Joker, grinning. "Did you go to band camp and everything, Professor?"

"Actually, I have a severe pollen allergy that made camping impossible as a child," retorted Crane.

"Yep, a real mystery," repeated Joker, nodding.

"You make a really…one of a kind sound," said Jake, slowly. "It's very…loud."

"Yeah? You like ZZ Top, kid?" asked Joker. "I take back what I said about the state of the music industry among young people."

"Well, I don't really think what we're playing sounds much like _Sharp Dressed Man_, J," retorted Two-Face. "Even though I know that's the song we're supposed to be playing. The original song didn't have a trombone part in it, for one."

"Obviously we've improved it," sniffed Crane.

"And two, we don't seem to be able to count beats," continued Two-Face. "At least, you don't, J."

"I think you probably just counted twice, Harv, what with your little obsessive fixation," retorted Joker.

"Yeah, you wouldn't know anything about obsessive fixations, would you, J?" snapped Two-Face.

"Why don't we both just calm down?" said Harley. "After all, the kid shouldn't be exposed to violence – they sometimes mimic it, y'know."

"All right, Harley, then you tell J that if he don't shape up, he's gonna be out of Two-Face and the Also-Rans," retorted Two-Face, turning away from him.

Joker snorted. "Couldn't use you for a poster boy, Harv. Your face would drive away the audience."

Two-Face whirled around with a roar, slamming his guitar into Joker's face. Joker recovered quickly, seizing the trombone from Crane and knocking it across Two-Face's head.

"Put my trombone down!" shouted Crane, leaping forward to seize it from Joker. They began struggling as Two-Face joined in the fray, with Harley leaping in to defend Joker from him.

Lenore began squawking and clawing at Joker's face, and Harley started batting the raven away, shouting, "No, bad birdie! Leave Mr. J alone!"

The guards rushed in to pull everyone apart at last and drag them off to their separate cells. "Well, you can't blame Dr. Leland for trying," sighed Ivy, watching them leave. "I'm gonna go give Harvey his guitar back – if I didn't think he was sexy before, the fact that his guitar has J's blood on it makes him that much more attractive."

Jake was left alone, and went to the cafeteria to help himself to breakfast. On the way back to his cell, he heard Joker say, "Harley, grab the kid!"

"Hey, Jake, can Mr. J talk with you for a second?" asked Harley, racing from Joker's cell and blocking Jake's path.

"Uh…sure," he said, as Harley pulled him into the cell. Joker sat on his bed with bandages covering his face, but he smiled as Jake entered.

"There's my favorite child psychopath!" he said, beaming. "So tell me, Jake, are you excited about the band?"

"Oh…I didn't know you were still doing that," said Jake, slowly. "After Two-Face hit you in the face and everything…"

"Oh, stuff like that happens all the time!" said Joker, waving his hand. "If I held a grudge against everyone who's ever hit me in the face, most of the inmates of this asylum would be dead, including Harley. Isn't that right, pooh?" he asked.

"That's right, puddin'," she purred, stroking his cheek. "But you love it when your Harley girl hits you, doncha, puddin'? It gets you in the mood, huh?"

"Kid, Harley," reminded Joker, pushing her away. "Anyway, Jake, if Joker and the Peanut Gallery is ever gonna get off the ground, do you know what it needs?"

"Um…more practice?" guessed Jake.

"Something more important than practice," said Joker. "You don't need practice to go professional in the music industry, after all – just listen to some modern bands sometime. No, it needs publicity, Jake. That's what makes every career – publicity."

"Oh…ok," said Jake.

"But see, Jake, I'm all locked up in here," sighed Joker. "And I can't do any kinda publicity from behind bars. Joker and the Peanut Gallery is never gonna get off the ground. And then that's my lifelong dream of being in a professional band completely destroyed. It breaks my heart, I tell ya. Look at this face. I ain't even smiling," he sighed.

"Aw, poor puddin'!" cooed Harley, embracing him and covering him with kisses. "I'm sure your Harley girl can cheer you up! I know how to make some smiles…"

"Actually, I was hoping Jake would help me," said Joker, glaring at her. "You'll help me achieve my lifelong dream, won't ya, kid?"

"How can I do that?" asked Jake.

"By doing a little favor for me, Jake," said Joker, grinning. "You got the freedom to wander around this place, right? Well, tonight I need you to sneak into Dr. Leland's office, borrow something from her desk, and bring it to me. You can do that, can't you, Jake?"

"Will I get in trouble?" asked Jake.

"No, of course not!" laughed Joker. "You're only in trouble if you get caught, everyone knows that! And you'd not only make me happy, you'd make Harley happy, and all your new friends in here happy. And isn't it nice to make your friends happy, Jake?"

"I…guess," stammered Jake.

"Atta boy!" said Joker, slapping him on the back. "Now lemme tell you what you gotta do…"


	6. Chapter 6

Jake slowly opened the door to Dr. Leland's office and fumbled for the light switch. He found it at last, glanced out in the corridor to make sure no guards were around, and then flicked it on, entering the room and shutting the door. He headed over to the desk, searching through the files and drawers, until he found a set of keys, and a letter opener. He put these in his pocket and then crept out of the office, flicking the lights off again.

"Ok, I got 'em," he said, re-entering the cell block and heading over to where the Joker waited, beaming at him from behind the bars.

"Good boy!" he said, holding out his hand. "Did you hear that, everyone? Jake got what I asked him for!"

"Well done, Jake," said Crane, sharing a look with Joker. "Come over here now, there's a good boy."

Jake approached Crane warily as Joker unlocked the door of his cell, and then went around unlocking the others. "Do you know your sums, Jake?" asked Crane.

"Sums?" repeated Jake. "Like math?"

"Yes. Can you do multiplication tables? 1 x 1 = 1, 2 x 2 = 4, that kind of thing?"

"Maybe," said Jake. "I'm not sure I can remember many…"

"Well, why don't you look at me, and we'll see if we can't figure them out together," he said. "But concentrate on me and the math, and pay no attention to anything else that's going on, all right?"

While they were reciting math equations, Joker had slipped open the door to the cell block and killed the two guards on duty, clapping his hand over their mouths and slitting their throats silently. He headed off down the corridor to discreetly take care of any remaining guards on duty, while Harley, Ivy, and Two-Face headed off to collect their costumes and weapons from the storage closet, busting the lock off with a fire extinguisher. They returned to the cell block to distribute the belongings and change.

"And 164 x 164 is…um..26,896, I believe…" stammered Crane.

"All clear – let's beat it," interrupted Joker, re-entering the cell block and taking his purple suit and weapons from Harley.

"You're escaping?" asked Jake. "Isn't that against the rules?"

"We're going home, Jake," explained Harley. "It's always nice to have a little stay in Arkham, but sometimes the vacation distracts us from our work, y'know?"

"Your work to kill Batman?" asked Jake.

"Yeah, among others," agreed Joker, as he slipped on his suit. "It's too complicated for you to understand, kid…"

"Can I come with you?" asked Jake. "I don't think I'm ever gonna find out who I am locked up in here. Dr. Leland said the orphanage didn't have any other information about me, and nobody in the police department has been able to help either. I think the only person who can help me is…Batman."

"And you think we can contact Batman just like that, huh?" demanded Joker.

"Well…you make plans and traps to kill him, so you've probably got a better chance of getting in touch with him than most people," said Jake, slowly. "I guess Dr. Leland might be able to, but if she finds out I helped you escape, I don't think she's gonna be very happy, and she probably won't wanna help me out for a while."

"Kid, we'd love to help, but we're all busy people with busy lives," said Two-Face. "It's nothing personal."

"Yeah, nothing personal, you're just not important enough for us to care," said Joker. "So see ya around, kid."

Jake shrugged, heading over to the wall. "Ok. But if you don't help me, I'm pressing the alarm."

Everyone froze on their way to the door. "Are you threatening us, kid?" growled Joker, turning around.

"Yeah," said Jake, nodding. "That's how you guys always get what you want, isn't it? If it works for you, why wouldn't it work for me?"

"Are you actually comparing yourself to us?" demanded Crane. "You're a child, and we are the best supervillains Gotham City has ever seen…"

"Well, _I _am anyway," interrupted Joker. "The rest of you losers are just the Peanut Gallery, like I said. Because you're just nuts."

"You already explained that, puddin'," pointed out Harley. "And you always told me not to explain jokes anyway."

"It's for the benefit of the child, Harl," retorted Joker. "He can't be expected to understand adult humor, like puns."

"That's not what adult humor means," said Ivy.

"Don't try to contradict me, Weed Lady, and don't try to tell me about humor!" snapped Joker.

"Are you taking me with you or not?" demanded Jake, cutting into what he assumed was going to be another fight.

"What makes you think we won't kill you the moment we're outta here, kid?" demanded Two-Face.

"I'll take my chances," retorted Jake. "I've got a fifty-fifty chance with you, which is pretty good odds. Joker won't kill me unless he's got a joke."

"You think I can't think up one for an orphan brat?" demanded Joker.

"I think you can, but you explain to me how it's funny to kill a kid nobody wants anyway," retorted Jake. "I don't think that's adult humor – I just don't think that's funny. Harley doesn't want to kill me. Ivy might, but as long as I annoy the Joker, she'll keep me alive as long as possible, and it'll annoy the Joker that he's forced to put up with a kid. So she's not gonna hurt me. And you, Professor Crane," he said, turning to him. "I don't think you'd hurt a child who's experienced the same bullying as you. I don't think your heart's hardened enough to do that, judging by the orphan bird you took in. Maybe I'm wrong about all of you. But that's a chance I'm willing to take, to discover who I am. There's nothing left for me here or anywhere else, anyway."

Everyone glared at Jake, but didn't respond. "This is your fault, Professor!" snapped Joker, rounding on Crane angrily. "Who distracts a kid with math problems?! This is his revenge for you torturing him! It would have been less traumatizing if he'd just seen me murder the guys!"

"Let's not assign blame, let's just decide what to do," growled Crane. "Are we taking the child with us or not?"

"I don't know about you losers, but I ain't letting a kid blackmail me!" snapped Joker. "It's like I always say – only mothers let kids push 'em around! And I ain't no dame!"

"An enlightened statement from a man who truly understands gender equality," sighed Ivy, sarcastically.

"You don't always say that," added Harley. "I've _never_ heard you say that."

"I said it last week, about that kid in the department store before we blew up the toy aisle. Don't you listen to me, Harley?!" demanded Joker. "Because that would explain why nothing seems to get through your thick skull!"

"Why should I listen to you when you don't listen to me when I say I'm sorry I bit down on your…"

"Cut the talk!" growled Two-Face, stepping in between them. "We'll never decide anything by talking about it!"

He pulled out his coin. "Good side, we take the kid. Bad side, we beat him to death with a fire extinguisher. You gonna play, kid?" he asked, turning to him.

Jake nodded. "I'll play."

Two-Face flipped the coin into the air. Jake watched it spin in the air, his heart pounding as it fell into Two-Face's palm. He looked down and nodded. "Good side. C'mon, kid."


	7. Chapter 7

None of the Rogues wanted to be burdened with Jake in particular (Harley asked Joker if they could take care of him, but he flatly refused), and since no one person wanted to suffer, they agreed that they all had to. So they headed to a hideout together, and spent most of the night arguing with each other and figuring out how they were going to contact Batman without ending up in Arkham again.

Jake sat huddled up in a corner of the room listening to them, his knees drawn up to his chest as he held his teddy bear tightly. Despite the calm façade he had shown, he had secretly been terrified at threatening the lunatics – he wasn't crazy or stupid himself, so being afraid of an action like that was perfectly justifiable. He had gambled on what he had known about their personas, and it had paid off, but it was something he didn't want to do again if he could help it. Desperate times had called for desperate measures, but Jake sincerely hoped that after they contacted Batman, desperate times would be over for him anyway.

"You ok, Jake?" asked Harley, coming over to him. She seemed to be the only person who really cared about him, although Jake didn't know if it was an act or genuine. He suspected the latter, since he couldn't see what personal gain could come from her pretending to care. He nodded slowly.

"Yeah."

"You tired?" she asked. "You wanna go to bed?"

He shook his head. "Not until I know what the plan is."

"That could be a good few hours yet!" laughed Harley, sitting down next to him. "We don't all play nicely together, in case you haven't noticed. As a group, we can't really decide anything, at least not without having a few fights first. Keeps life interesting," she added, smiling at him.

"I think you mean dangerous," murmured Jake.

"Same difference," said Harley, shrugging. "What's life without a bit of danger? Don't wanna get bored, do ya?"

Jake didn't know how to respond to that, so he didn't. Poison Ivy came over to join them at that moment, throwing up her hands and sitting down with a despairing sigh of, "Men!"

"What's wrong, Red?" asked Harley.

"Men are what's wrong, Harley!" snapped Ivy. "They can never agree on anything, they just wanna fight! It's all arguing and testosterone and who's the most aggressive male! If women ran the world, it would be a much more civilized place!"

"Except once a month!" laughed Harley. "When there'd be a nuclear war!"

Ivy just looked at her. "It's a joke," explained Harley. "One of Mr. J's…"

"Of course it is," sighed Ivy.

"I don't get it," said Jake.

"And you shouldn't either," said Harley, patting him on the head. "It's adult humor, and we shouldn't explain that to a child. Or…we should…or…" she frowned. "I can never remember Mr. J's rules about jokes," she sighed. "He's right – I should be a better listener. But y'know, I listened to people my whole life when I was a doctor. And then Mr. J came along and listened to me for a change and made everything fun!" she sighed.

"Please, Harley, I've already got a headache from listening to those morons, and it's not gonna be helped by you gushing about the clown," growled Ivy.

"Jake likes Mr. J," retorted Harley, defensively. "Doncha, Jake?"

"Uh…he's fine," stammered Jake, not wanting to offend her, but also not wanting to lie to her.

"You should hang out with him as much as possible, y'know," said Harley.

"Why?" asked Jake. "He doesn't seem to like me very much…"

"No, but you should hang out with him anyway," said Harley. "If he takes a shine to you, he might wants kids of his own! And I really, really, really wanna give him kids of his own. You don't know about a gal's biological clock, and how it starts to tick, until you've got an uncontrollable desire to have a baby in your womb, to have the seed of the man who mastered you fill you up as he breeds you…"

"God, Harley, stop talking!" cried Ivy, clapping her hands over her ears. "You make any self-respecting woman feel sick!"

"You don't feel like that, Red?" asked Harley, surprised.

"No!" snapped Ivy. "I don't want kids!"

"Well, then I don't think I'm the freak here," retorted Harley. "Why doncha want kids?"

"I don't like them!" she snapped. "No offense, kid," she added, nodding at Jake.

"What's not to like?" asked Harley. "Kids are adorable! Just look at Jake," she said, gesturing at him.

"Yeah, he might be cute now, but he's gonna grow up into a man just like every other man," growled Ivy. "And frankly I think that's the last thing the world needs."

She stood up and stormed off, just as Joker came over to sit down next to Jake and Harley. "Smoking break," he said, reaching into his jacket and pulling out a cigar. "You take over arguing for me, Harley."

"Rightaroonie, puddin'!" said Harley cheerfully, leaping to her feet and skipping over to where Two-Face and Crane were still arguing, rejoined shortly after by Ivy.

"Boy, you sure caused us a lotta trouble, kid," muttered Joker, lighting the cigar and taking a puff. "Want one?" he asked, offering one to him.

"Uh…I'm eight, so no," replied Jake, slowly.

"Suit yourself," said Joker, shrugging. "Never too young to learn a new skill, that's what they tell me."

"It'd be nice if I could remember any old skills instead," murmured Jake, clutching his teddy bear tighter. "Or anything at all, really. Especially who I am."

Joker shrugged again. "Knowing who you are is overrated, kid," he muttered, exhaling a cloud of smoke. "You're never gonna be who you think you are, because nobody is. So why spoil the fun, when you can be anyone you wanna be? I tell ya, I much prefer being who I am now than whoever I was before my accident. Couldn't be any better than the Joker, because that ain't possible!" he chuckled. "And that's what you need to do. Appreciate who you are now, not worry about who you were."

"You don't ever get curious about who you used to be?" asked Jake. "If you have family out there somewhere?"

"If _you _had family, they haven't been looking for ya very hard, so they obviously ain't worth having," retorted Joker. "And why would you wanna be tied to a buncha people you can't even remember anyway? I'm chained down enough with just Harley spoiling my fun. The last thing I need is a whole family joining her!"

"I guess we have different ideas about what family means," murmured Jake. "I just wanna have a home again, and feel safe and secure and loved. I don't even remember what that feels like," he whispered, tears trickling down his cheek. "But I know they were things I used to have, and I just want them back."

Joker was silent for a moment, and then a slow smile spread across his face. "I got it!" he cried, leaping to his feet. "I got what we're gonna do with you, kid!"

"Oh…yeah?" asked Jake, nervously.

"Yeah! We're gonna threaten to kill you on live TV!" said Joker, beaming. "That'll get you broadcast out on all channels, so if anybody's been looking for you, they can't miss you! And if they ain't been looking for you, Bats is gonna show up to save you, and then you're his problem, not ours! And if he don't show up, we can just kill you in a fun way! Everybody wins!"

"Except me, if Batman doesn't show up," said Jake, slowly.

"Well, if you don't know who you are, it doesn't matter if you die, does it?" asked Joker, shrugging. "It ain't a waste of a life if you ain't got a life, is it?"

"I…guess not," stammered Jake.

"It's a good plan, J," agreed Ivy, grudgingly. "Now how are we gonna threaten to kill him?"

Her question provoked another loud argument and Jake sighed, curling up with his teddy bear and shutting his eyes. It was gonna be a long night.


	8. Chapter 8

"Long night tonight, sir?" asked Alfred, entering the Batcave to see Batman hunched over the Batcomputer.

"The inmates escaped from Arkham Asylum forty-eight hours ago, and there's been no word from any of them since," muttered Batman, not turning around. "I don't like it. It means they're planning something big."

"Don't their collaborations often quickly end in disaster?" asked Alfred. "With all their in-fighting and grudges? I shouldn't worry unduly about it if I were you."

"Short-lived or not, they can usually end up with innocent people getting hurt," replied Bruce. "And that's a risk I'm not going to take, if I can help it. If I can figure out what they're up to before they begin," he muttered, flicking through some recent newspaper articles.

"I think it's too late for that, sir," said Alfred, nodding at the television screen at his side, which displayed footage of a news chopper zooming in on the top of a building. Batman recognized the figures standing on the roof even before a plant vine shot out and twisted around the helicopter propeller, sending it crashing at the feet of the group of figures. The video camera was wrenched out of the wreckage, and focused on Poison Ivy.

"Hello, Batman," she purred. "We've got a special little surprise here just for you, handsome. Something to test your skill and your strength and your detective mind, all that stuff you're so proud of. Not always what I look for in a man, and definitely not what I enjoy most in a man," she said, grinning. "And I've had so many enjoyable men in my time, but there's always room for one more, isn't there, gorgeous?"

"Stop flirting, Weed Lady!" shouted a voice from behind her. "Nobody cares about you – get to the main event!"

"Shut up, J!" roared Ivy, whirling around. "This isn't about you! You're such a child, throwing a temper tantrum every time you're not the center of attention! Maybe that's why Harley wants kids – if she can put up with you, she can put up with anything!"

"I'm not a child!" shouted Joker, as the camera was dragged away from her. "But…this is!" he said, pointing the lens at Jake. "Which is actually what this is about, not the Plant Dame trying to invite Bats to hang around her garden!"

"I think you're jealous, J," retorted Ivy. "Because you're in love with Batman, and you can't stand the thought of anyone else having his attention for five minutes…"

"I'm sure he'd take longer than that," snapped Joker. "Not that I've thought about his stamina in particular, but since he always comes first in a fight, he's gonna come last in sex – that's the true man's creed, and Batsy's a true man. But this conversation is no longer appropriate for children, and that's why we're doing all this in the first place. Batsy, Joker and the Peanut Gallery have a message for you!" said Joker, tossing the camera at Harley and heading over to a keyboard.

"That's not really our band name," muttered Two-Face, pulling the camera over to him.

"Yes, and I was cut from the band completely unfairly," said Crane, pulling the camera over to him as Lenore nodded on his shoulder. "Just because very few popular songs include a trombone part…"

"Back on me, Harley!" snapped Joker, and the camera swerved round to him. "We're Joker and the Peanut Gallery, and we're delivering this ransom message in the form of a song! So hit it, Harvey!" he snapped. "And this is for you, Batsy," he added, grinning at the camera.

Batman wasn't particularly familiar with the works of Meat Loaf, or Jim Steinman. He had never heard the song "I'll Kill You If You Don't Come Back," written by the latter and performed by the former, and so he didn't entirely appreciate the parody of it the Joker had written. He was mostly just disturbed at the thought that the lyrics might be directed at him, except for the refrain, "_We'll kill him if you don't come back_," which was always said with a nod and a focus of the camera on Jake.

The song, with alternate lyrics, went thus:

"_From the minute I turned and laid my eyes on you, I had no eyes of my own._

_I was blind to the world, you were too good to be true,_

_But you were something to see, so very grim and alone._

_And I still don't believe the way you turned on me;_

_ Now where's the Bat that I knew?_

_ I gave you someone to beat and then somebody to punch;_

_ You gave me nothing but trouble, man, I've been such a fool!_

_ You gave me nothing at all, now let me give it to you;_

_ You taught me how to be cruel, now let me try it on you._

_How do you abuse me, let me count the ways?_

_How many hours in how many days?_

_How does it amuse you, let me count the pain?_

_How many rules breaking how many games?_

_You got your tights in a twist and your soul out of whack;_

_Go on and fly over here, don't even bother to pack!_

_In every way I want you out of my life,_

_But we'll kill him if you don't come back,_

_We'll kill him if you don't come back!_

_In the pit of the night you used to beat me so hard,_

_And then you'd bind me so tight,_

_And in the wink of an eye you used to give me it all,_

_And with a fist in the darkness you'd deliver the light._

_And in the pit of the night, I was laughing so loud;  
><em>

_Why aren't you laughing with me?_

_Oh, ain't it funny and sad the way I fell for your lies,_

_The way I fell into madness and can never be free?_

_You gave me nothing at all, now let me give it to you;_

_You taught me how to be cruel, now let me try it on you._

_How do you abuse me, let me count the ways?_

_How many hours in how many days?_

_How does it amuse you, let me count the pain?_

_How many rules breaking how many games?_

_You got your tights in a twist and your soul out of whack;_

_Go on and fly over here, don't even bother to pack,_

_In every way I want you out of my life,_

_But we'll kill him if you don't come back, _

_We'll kill him if you don't come back!_

_Somebody bless all the inmates in Arkham tonight - _

_They're saving their strength and they're learning to fight._

_Bless all the convicts in Blackgate's stone walls -_

_They're trying to be free, and they're taking the fall._

_Bless all the cutthroats with their sentence for life -_

_They're caught by the law, and then locked up so tight._

_Bless all the criminals still roaming free - _

_They're better at fooling the Batman than me._

_Bless all the swindlers, the cheats, and the sharks - _

_They're plying their trade and staying safe in the dark._

_Bless all the muggers and gangsters and thugs - _

_They're taking and stealing from the people they mug._

_Bless all the henchmen who faithfully serve - _

_And suffer the beatings that they just don't deserve. _

_Bless all the heroes who give us someone to fight - _

_Yes, bless every one, but our own dear Dark Knight!_

_Somebody bless all these people I never have met,_

_But damn you and curse you, after all that you've done,_

_You're the one Bat I'll never forget!_

_You're the one Bat I'll never forget!_

_Somebody bless all these guys and everything that they do, _

_But damn me and curse me for still needing you!_

_And we'll kill him if you don't come back!_

_We'll kill him if you don't come back!_

_We'll kill him if you don't come back!_"

The refrain was repeated a few more times until the song stopped, and Harley began whooping and cheering. "Yay, Mr. J!" she shrieked. "We love you! You're the best! We want your babies! Well, Red don't, but she's not being a very good groupie! I really, really, really want your babies!"

"Hope the message got through, Batsy," said Joker, wiping sweat from his brow and grinning at the camera. "See you soon, buddy!"

The camera went dead and Batman just stared at the screen for a moment.

"Did the Joker just sing a love song to me on live TV?" he asked, turning to Alfred slowly.

"Of a kind, sir," agreed Alfred. "I think you had best confront him, and save the boy in the process."

"Yeah…of course," said Batman, turning away. "Only the Joker could think it would be funny to combine a love song with a ransom note," he muttered, heading for the Batmobile. "He's gonna get such a beating for this."


	9. Chapter 9

"I think we need to broaden our musical horizons for the band," said Joker, as they sat on the roof, waiting for Batman. "So far it's all been 80s stuff, and while that was a great decade, we don't wanna get stale."

"What decade would you suggest?" asked Two-Face.

"How about the 60s? You remember the 60s? Crazy times," said Joker, grinning. "Me with that mustache, Bats with the Bat-Dance and the shark repellant spray and that bomb he just couldn't get rid of…"

Everyone just stared at him. "…what?" asked Two-Face. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Never mind," sighed Joker. "I don't think any of you were around anyway. And a lotta drugs went on then. A lotta drugs. That's why people used to see words like 'Kapow' and 'Bam' appear in front of their eyes – drugs."

"Kid's still here, J," reminded Two-Face, nodding at Jake.

"Yeah, what's keeping Bats?" demanded Joker, glancing at his watch.

"Your singing probably scared him off," retorted Ivy.

"It did not!" snapped Harley. "Puddin's got the voice of an angel! Can we do a duet sometime, puddin'?" she asked, hopefully. "A love song or something?"

"Sure thing, Harl," he agreed, nodding. "Continuing the theme of Meat Loaf, we could do _Paradise by the Dashboard Light_. Because I'm also praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you."

She giggled. "Aw, puddin', you're such a romantic!" she sighed, kissing his cheek.

"You've never heard the song, have you, Harley?" asked Ivy, rolling her eyes.

"Actually, rock music ain't really my thing," said Harley, shrugging. "But if Mr. J's performing it, I know I'll just love it! And he could do that rockstar thing of dressing in tight leather – that would be really hot…"

"I thought you wanted kids, Harley," retorted Ivy. "That kinda stuff can lower a guy's sperm count."

"Kid, Pammie!" snapped Joker, pointing to Jake. "Don't talk about the S word! And get your mind out of my pants!"

"Yeah, only my mind can be in puddin's pants!" retorted Harley. "And that's about all that's been in there recently," she sighed, forlornly.

"You brought it on yourself, you stupid girl!" snapped Joker.

"Can we please stop talking about that?" demanded Crane. "The child's not stupid, you know – he could very well figure out what you're talking about."

"Plus we're sick of hearing about it," muttered Two-Face. "Shouldn't we be discussing a plan for when Batman gets here anyway?"

"Why would we need a plan?" asked Joker. "He's gonna take the kid off our hands. Problem solved."

"And you think he's just gonna let us waltz off back to our respective hideouts?" asked Two-Face.

"C'mon, Harvey, there are five of us to one of him," retorted Ivy. "He can't take all of us."

Two-Face looked at her. "Are you serious?" he asked. "He's Batman!"

"That's right – I am," growled a familiar voice. They all turned to see Batman emerging from the shadows, looking even more annoyed than usual.

"You," he snapped, throwing a finger at Joker. "Why the hell…would you sing a song for me?!"

"Well, somebody's got a massive ego!" chuckled Joker. "The song wasn't _for _you, Batsy – it may have been about you, but it was for Jake," he said, gesturing at the child, who studied Batman curiously, clutching his teddy bear. "We needed a way to attract viewers and publicity so he'd be noticed. And mission accomplished, I must say. If the price to pay for a child's salvation is a few more rumors about us floating around on the internet, it's worth it. Plus I know how much it irritates you, and that's the real payoff!" he giggled.

"Why does he need to be noticed?" asked Batman. "What's he done?"

"He doesn't know," replied Joker. "Nobody knows. He was just dumped off at Arkham one night – he'd been in an orphanage before then. And he can't remember anything before a few months ago. Sounds like yours truly, huh?" he giggled.

"I wanna find out who I am," murmured Jake. "And find my family. So I made them take me with them when they broke out, and get you to help."

Batman looked at him. "You must be very brave," he said. "These people aren't exactly wholesome for a child to be around."

"They're all right," said Jake, shrugging. "Better than the kids at the orphanage, anyway."

"Yes, children can be so vile to other children sometimes," sighed Crane. "I daresay criminal lunatics are more humane than bullies."

"They're exactly the same in my book," retorted Batman. "But you haven't killed the kid, so I guess that's something."

"Are you going to help me, Batman?" asked Jake.

"I'll certainly do my best," replied Batman. "But first I just have to take these people back to Arkham."

"I'd like to see you try, Bats!" snapped Joker.

Batman sighed, pushing Jake gently behind him. "Stay back," he murmured. "This could get ugly."

Jake had never seen Batman in action, at least, not that he could remember. He could only stare in astonishment at the almost superhuman way Batman seemed to be able to take out and subdue his enemies. It was like whatever they tried to was destined to fail, while every punch and kick he threw hit its target precisely. Eventually he had them all tied and restrained – Joker was the last to give in, and looked completely bruised and battered as Batman threw him to the ground next to a handcuffed Harley.

"Told you," muttered Two-Face, glaring at Ivy. "And why did you say you'd _like _to see him try, J?"

"Because I enjoyed it, all right?" retorted Joker, smiling despite the blood running down his face. "Haven't had a beating like that in a while, and I needed that itch scratched."

"I coulda done it, Mr. J," volunteered Harley.

"It ain't the same, Harley," sighed Joker.

"You stay here, Jake," said Batman, dragging the inmates to their feet. "I'm just gonna drop them off in Arkham, and then I'll be back to get you."

Jake nodded. "So…I guess this is goodbye, huh?" he asked, looking at them. "Can I say goodbye to them?"

Batman looked at him strangely, and then nodded curtly. "Make it quick," he growled.

Jake nodded, approaching Crane who was holding Lenore tenderly. She had been knocked against the wall by Batman during the fight, but she seemed more annoyed than hurt by the experience. Jake stroked her gently. "Bye, birdie," he said. She cheeped happily, cawing at him. "Bye, Professor Crane," he said, smiling at him. "Thanks for not fear gassing me."

"It was my pleasure, Jake," he replied. "Good luck to you."

"Bye, Two-Face," said Jake. "I hope you and the Joker can agree on a band name one day."

"I think the whole band idea might be moot, kid," retorted Two-Face. "But thanks."

"Bye, Ivy," continued Jake. "I'm sorry for not being a girl, and I'm sorry you don't like boys. Or men, although you did tell Batman you've enjoyed a lotta men so I'm not sure what you really mean…"

"I don't like men – I just like their equipment," she retorted. "You'll understand when you're older, kid."

"Yeah, thank God the comedy censor is getting outta our hair!" chuckled Joker, grinning at Jake. "Now I can go back to being my usual hilarious self!"

Jake didn't know how to respond, so just continued on to Harley. "Bye, Harley," he said.

"Aw, bye, Jake!" she cried, embracing him with her handcuffs and hugging him tight. "I'm gonna miss you, y'know! It really made me feel like we had a little family going on, with you hanging around us! Thanks for being such a great kid, so Mr. J can see how fun kids are so we can have 'em someday soon!"

"Wishful thinking, Harl," retorted Joker. Jake left him for last, as he didn't know quite what to say to him.

"Well, don't let Batsy stick you back in that orphanage, whatever you do," said Joker. "I blew it up a few years ago, and it was a joke that might bear repeating, if you get what I'm saying. You're lucky you weren't there then. And if he asks if you wanna be Robin, just say no. Those don't ever last long, especially not with me around!"

"Uh…ok. Thanks," said Jake. "Bye, Joker."

"See, you like kids, Mr. J!" said Harley, happily, as Batman dragged them off.

"I didn't say that, did I, Harley?" he demanded. "I just gave the kid some friendly life advice. Nobody should ever agree to be Robin. Or Batman, because there's only one, right, Batsy?"

Batman ignored him, pulling him down the stairs. "I think that's the reason I like Meat Loaf, because he really gets Batsy and me," continued Joker. "All of his songs pretty much summarize our relationship – _Your love is blind, blind as a bat, the way you're leading me home like that, your love is blind, blind as a bat! _Ow!"

Jake heard a punch, and a thud, and a clatter, and didn't hear the Joker singing anymore – he could only assume, from Harley's cries of fury, that Batman had knocked him unconscious.

"Sorry for the delay," said Batman, returning about an hour later.

"Is the Joker ok?" asked Jake.

"He's fine," snapped Batman. "He's been knocked unconscious lots of times before. I suspect he enjoys it. Anyway, you shouldn't care about someone like him."

"Harley does," replied Jake.

"Yes, she's crazy," agreed Batman. "That's why I've just seen her safely locked up in Arkham. Now c'mon – I'm gonna take you back to the Batcave for now while I look for your family."

He helped Jake into the Batmobile. They were silent as Batman drove, and Jake began to find it oppressive – Batman was so different from the lunatics, and a lot more unfriendly. At least they had spoken to him.

"Can I listen to the radio?" asked Jake at last.

Batman nodded, snapping it on. "This is Gotham 92.7, classic rock!" said the DJ, and then a Meat Loaf song came on. Batman snapped it off abruptly with an annoyed growl, and they sat in silence again.

"Sir?" said a voice from the car speaker. "Have you got the boy?"

"I have," replied Batman. "Heading back to the Batcave with him now."

"The GCPD has just received a visit from a person claiming to be the child's mother. She said she saw him on the news and recognized him instantly. She's been searching for him for a few months now."

"And she hasn't contacted the police?" asked Batman.

"She claims she did, sir," replied Alfred. "But claims they weren't really that helpful or interested."

"Sounds like most of the GCPD," muttered Batman, with a sigh. "It's the reason this town needs me. Is she still at the station?"

"Yes, sir."

"I'll head there now – drop him off," said Batman, turning the car around. "You hear that, Jake? You're going to be reunited with your mother very shortly," he said.

Jake nodded, feeling excitement and apprehension bubbling up in his stomach. "What's the mother's name?" asked Batman.

"Ah, now that, sir, is why I thought this might be of particular interest to you," said Alfred, quietly. "Her name is Napier, sir. Mrs. Jenny Napier."


	10. Chapter 10

Batman slammed on the brakes instantly, sending Jake lurching forward and choking as the seatbelt dug into his ribs. "What?" demanded Batman.

"Napier," repeated Jake, thoughtfully. It did sound very familiar. "I guess…that's what the N on my teddy bear stands for," said Jake, holding up the bear to him.

Batman stared from the bear to Jake. Then he cleared his throat. "Sorry, Jake, it's just…that name Napier means…something to me."

"Do you know someone named Napier?" asked Jake.

"I might," retorted Batman. "I might…be related to someone called Napier. But he's dead. At least…I think he is. Is your father dead, Jake?"

"I don't remember," replied Jake.

Batman pressed the communication button on the speaker. "Is she in any way related to…Jack Napier?"

"I don't know, sir," replied Alfred. "You'll have to ask her."

"Are you ok, Batman?" asked Jake, concerned. It seemed to him as if Batman's face had grown paler behind his mask.

"I'm fine," snapped Batman, starting the car again. "Just when I think that name is outta my life, it comes storming back in," he growled.

They pulled up in front of the police station, and Batman opened the doors for Jake. They saw a pretty woman pacing nervously in the waiting room. She looked up as they entered and let out a shriek of joy, racing over to embrace Jake.

"Oh God, Jake!" she cried. "Thank goodness you're safe!"

Jake shut his eyes, hugging her back and relishing the familiarity of her arms. He had hugged this woman many times before, and he felt safe and secure in her embrace. "Mommy," he whispered.

"Oh, baby, where have you been?" she whispered, tears trailing down her cheeks as she kissed him repeatedly. She didn't let him go for several long, wonderful minutes, until she at last pulled away, studying him carefully. "Oh, you've still got your teddy bear that you took to show and tell that day!" she whispered, tears in her eyes. "I thought you would! I put out notices around the neighborhood saying that you would probably have him, but nobody had seen you since the day you disappeared! What happened to you?"

"I don't remember," he murmured. "But I remember you, Mommy."

"You remember your sister too?" she asked, gesturing to a girl who looked slightly older than Jake, who had been watching him shyly.

"Hi, Jake," she murmured.

"Katie," he whispered, as her memory came back to him too. He hugged her tightly. "Of course I remember you!"

"Are you ok, honey?" Mrs. Napier whispered. "You must have been so scared in the clutches of those horrible people!"

Jake shrugged. "They weren't so bad," he murmured. "And they helped me find you. Batman helped too, of course," he added, nodding gratefully at him.

"I'm sorry if this is a weird question, Mrs. Napier, but do you know of a Jack Napier?" asked Batman. "Is he a relative of yours, perhaps?"

She looked puzzled. "I've never heard of him if he is," she replied. "The only Napiers I know are me, my daughter Katie, my son Jake, and my husband Charlie, who's on his way. You could always ask him if he's a distant cousin or something, if that'll help you."

"No, it's fine – I wouldn't want to trouble you," said Batman. "Do you know why your boy went missing in the first place?"

She shook her head. "He went to school as usual and just…never came back. His older sister usually walked with him, but she was out with friends the day he disappeared. She kept blaming herself, poor thing."

"It's not your fault," said Batman, gently, to the girl, who was holding her brother and sobbing. "I'll find out whose fault it was, and why, and see them punished for it. I promise you, Mrs. Napier."

He turned to go. "I'll just leave you with your family for now."

"Thank you for finding and saving my boy, Batman," whispered Mrs. Napier, as she hugged both her children tightly.

Batman nodded at her, took one last look at Jake, and then left.

…

A few days afterward, Batman dragged a pair of thugs into the police station, who, after a little persuasion on Batman's part, confessed to kidnapping Jake on his way home from school. They had intended to kidnap an entirely different child, the son of a rich CEO to hold for ransom, and had accidentally mistaken Jake for that child. When they realized their mistake, they hadn't seen any other choice but to either kill the kid so he couldn't talk and identify them, or try to make sure he couldn't remember what had happened or who had kidnapped him. So they had given him a good beating and left him on the steps of the orphanage, and had assumed that they had gotten away with it. Until Batman showed up on their doorstep.

Batman was relieved that they had been brought to justice and that two more criminals were now safely locked away, but he was even more relieved a few days later, when his research into Jake's family history brought to light only the smallest possible connection with the name Jack Napier.

"It looks like Jack Napier's grandfather might have had a brother," he said, scanning the census records. "And Jake's family is from that branch, who, as far as I can tell, never associated with any of their extended family. While Jack's branch seemed to be fairly disreputable, Jake's branch seems to be made up of mostly hard-working, decent, honest people."

He shut the book. "Still, Bruce Wayne might want to check in on Jake, from time to time, just to make sure he's doing ok after his ordeal. For purely philanthropic reasons, after the child was brought to his attention on the news."

"I think that's a very admirable idea, sir," replied Alfred.

Batman stared off into space for a moment. "It was nice seeing him reunited with his family, Alfred," he murmured. "I remember what it was like to be eight and all alone, and I can imagine how wonderful it would have felt to be reunited with my own family, if such a thing were possible. At least this time, crime in Gotham had a happy ending."

"Thanks to you, sir," reminded Alfred.

Batman sighed. "Well…I did have a little help from some lunatics," he muttered reluctantly.

**The End**


End file.
